LIFESTYLE 03.25.20
A DAY WE WILL NEVER FORGET.
"I didn't get to hold you in my arms but I know the one who does." March 12th, 2020 is now the worst day of my life. But, before I tell you all the long personal details of my miscarriage let me start off by telling you the joyful moments of my pregnancy.
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It all started February 13th, I found out I was pregnant at my sister's house. Chris was still at work and he had no idea I was even taking a test that day. Chris and I had been trying to conceive for close to a year, we went to specialist and nothing was wrong (Praise the Lord). It was clearly just God's timing. So to tell you how excited I was to finally see that test say positive after taking them month after month was an understatement.
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Long story short, I surprise Chris when he gets home from work, which is all on video and is TOO good not to share. We tell all of our family, and close friends. But, as excited as we are we are definitely hesitant because we know how high the chances of miscarriages are. Even though we know the odds- we still didn't think it would happen to us. So, I schedule my 8 week appointment at my OB office and anxiously wait for that day to come. Being a 4 on the Enneagram the waiting until the 8 week mark was just not going to happen for me. My mother-in-law works at a pregnancy center, and I also see a holistic doctor for my Lupus and she so happens to be an OBGYN as well. So, you know what this means, I am definitely getting an ultrasound before the "official ultrasound."
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This pregnancy has been filled with up's and down's, different offices telling us different things, and just a whirlwind of emotions.
Here we are, the day finally comes and we go to the ultrasound appointment- mind you I have downloaded all the baby apps, been tracking how far along I thought I was, how big the baby was, etc. We got into the appointment and according to my app I am 7 weeks pregnant from my last period. Unfortunately, this appointment did not go as planned. The tech however, did not do a vaginal ultrasound and could not see the fetal pole or yolk sac in the gestational sac. She told us this can mean only two things 1. The baby did not progress and you have had a miscarriage or 2. You are not as far along as you think you are however, even if you were 6 weeks which it looks like you are measuring we should be able to see something.
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Chris and I were devastated. Our whole world completely shattered. We call our families and just ask them to pray- thankfully, both of our mom's advised us to go to my other doctor. Call them and get you in asap to see what they say. I didn't want to go to another doctor just for them to break the news to us all over again but, we did anyway. Here is where the rollercoaster begins. We go in to my holistic doctor, mind you my OB appointment was 1 week away, but at this point I am committed and could not wait a week before getting another opinion and this time from a medical doctor. My doctor does a vaginal ultrasound and immediately finds everything. The baby was healthy, the baby was in there. Hence, the rollercoaster.. We get our first ultrasound picture and she does tell us that I am measuring 6 weeks not 7 weeks but, that happens very often. We didn't care how far along the baby was measuring just as long as the baby was healthy.
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So fast-forward one week- Chris and I are so excited because everything looked great on the ultrasound, I am having all the pregnancy symptoms. Life was good. We had our original ultrasound at my OB office scheduled on Friday of this week (Finally made it to the 8 week mark, I have anxiously been waiting on). On Tuesday, I begin to spot- I call the doctor and let them know at this point it was dark brown. They told me this is very common but, I can go ahead and come on in just to give me some reassurance. Again, I am a 4 and instantly am thinking worst case scenario. We go into the doctor, have our ultrasound and there was the baby's heartbeat. Again, everything looked perfectly normal. Baby was healthy.
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Thursday March 12th, two days later from the previous ultrasound, was the worst day of our lives. My spotting turned into bleeding. I had extreme back pain, cramping and I was clotting. We immediately had to go into the doctor again for an ultrasound. The baby had a faint heartbeat, and the ultrasound was abnormal. We were told we are beginning to have a miscarriage, this is what will happen over the next few days.... We will need you to come back next week to be sure everything has passed naturally. On March 16th, we officially said goodbye to our baby as mostly everything passed naturally. However, for all of 1 in 4 women that have to take Misoprostol to get anything remaining to pass without having to do a D&C, I am here to tell you the truth not to scare you but for you to be prepared. On March 17th, I had to use these 4 pills in order to get everything remaining out and it was excruciating. My body felt like I was going into labor, I got sick on both ends, had cramps and extreme back pain like never before. Again, I do not want to scare you but, if this happens to you it was all normal things from this medicine (Chris called the on-call nurse at my doctors office, I recommend doing this if you have any questions at all). My mom came over and my mom and husband were up with me until 5 am. Invest in a heating pad, take the pain medicine to help with some of the pain, get in the shower as the hot water hitting either you back or stomach helps with the pain and lastly drink lots of water.
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And so here we are. I am now 1 in 4 women that have a miscarriage. This post should have been all about my pregnancy announcement, which I had all planned but, instead its a long and emotional post about my miscarriage. Chris and I are heartbroken, confused and still don't understand why this happened. But, what I do know is that God is still good. God is good and does work all things good, even if we can't see it. Chris and I can't see it right now and I don't know if or when we ever will. We now have an angel baby and as much as we want so badly for this baby to be here with us on Earth we know we will meet our angel baby one day. I am so grateful for the support I have had especially from my husband but, also all of our family and close friends. We could not have gone through this without the prayers, the love and the support from all of you. Though it was so hard to tell all of our loved ones what had happened, we now have so many people who are praying and loving on us when we need it most.
And this is the reason that I want to share my story with all of you.
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I read this and wanted to be sure that you get the chance to read it too.
To the women who are 1 in 4. I stand with you. I am here for you. I want to be sure you hear this because I needed to hear this over and over again.
-You did not do this.
-This was not your fault.
-Nothing you ate or the stress or lack of sleep caused this.
-You could not have prevented this.
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God always had a plan for your baby and that was the life your baby was always suppose to have. There is nothing you could have done differently.
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If you are going through infertility or a miscarriage and want to talk I am here for you. I am no expert but, I would love to be able to pray for you and be a support for anyone that is struggling. We are still grieving and still hurting but, we have our faith and that is what we stand on.
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Xo
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Amanda
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